


for him

by baeconandeggs, fueled_galaxies



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 13:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19006810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/fueled_galaxies/pseuds/fueled_galaxies
Summary: They say when words aren’t enough to express what you feel, music will always be the one to be there for you, and that’s what Chanyeol ran to.Or wherein Chanyeol decides to open up his own youtube channel to sing his way to moving on from Baekhyun





	for him

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** BAE848  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
>   
> 
> **Author's Note:** First of all, a big big thank you to all the mods for this round! You’re endless patience with me and my endless requests for extensions are truly remarkable! Congratulations for another successful round this year! Big big thanks to my very good friend and beta, D, for being so patient with the fic as I ranted how to finish everything T.T The constant cheer-ups was such a bonus. Thanks to the prompter as well. I hope I somehow did justice to the whole idea even if I feel like I handled it in a different way. Also, I recommend to click on the links as you read the fic ☺

_“[And ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJPpG8e4n4)I meant every word I said_  
_When I said that I love you_  
_I meant that I loved you forever_  
_And I’m gonna keep on loving you_  
_Because it’s the only thing I wanna do”_

 

 

 

Chanyeol tosses and turns into the couch as he begins to stir from his sleep.

 

He could still hear the faint song playing on the speakers by the tv, an indication that he has yet again fallen asleep on the living room couch after spending at least 2 hours fidgeting on his playlist. It was a lazy Saturday and what better way to spend it than just comfortably flop around on the couch and fall asleep mid-afternoon.

He quickly tried to look for his phone, hands roaming around his carpeted living room floor. He squinted his eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness from his phone screen, now clearly seeing that it was already 7:47PM, so much for wanting to be productive for the weekends. He scrolled through the notifications he had received, scrolling through the usual messages from his mother, asking him if he ate already and when would he stop over for dinner. He’s been constantly avoiding his family for a few weeks now, always cancelling late on supposed lunch or dinner plans. Chanyeol thinks that his mother would just probably spend the hour or so asking personal questions about his life and how he was these days and he really wasn’t up to grace his mom with a sudden Q&A session. There’s also the topic of why Chanyeol would show up at the house with the lack of Baekhyun by his side; Chanyeol really isn’t ready to talk about that just yet.

Checking his sns accounts, he found a dozen messages from Sehun about an hour ago, asking where he was and to call him asap once he sees the messages. After stretching his back from being scrunched up on the couch for a long time, Chanyeol finally stood up and started calling Sehun after disconnecting his phone from the speakers, walking his way to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Sehun answered after 4 rings.

 

“Finally, you’re alive!” Sehun’s voice was booming throughout his empty apartment. “I left you a ton of messages.”

“I know. That’s why I called.” He immediately grabbed the water bottle inside the fridge. “So, what’s up?”

“Well I was supposed to call and ask if you wanted to go for dinner and drinks tonight because Jongin bailed out on me. But I guess it’s too late for that now.” Chanyeol easily gulped down the water. He could hear faint sounds of car honks from Sehun’s end. The younger must be driving out somewhere.

“I literally just woke up. And I’m not really in the mood to go out tonight so…...” Chanyeol was already busy roaming through his fridge to see if something can pass off as dinner for tonight.

“What a productive day you had then.”

“Save the judgment okay, I did my laundry this morning.” Chanyeol tried to explain himself. “It got me tired.”

“Excuses.” Chanyeol can practically feel Sehun rolling his eyes right now. “Anyway, I thought you were supposed to go to your mom’s place for lunch today? You were dreading about it the other day.”

“Cancelled it.” Was Chanyeol’s easy reply. Damn he really needs to do some grocery shopping soon, his kitchen was practically empty “I don’t think she was even surprised at all that I cancelled at the last minute again.”

“I think she’ll be even more surprised if you actually come for once.” Chanyeol was already rummaging through his cup boards. “How long have you been avoiding her?”

Chanyeol smiled when he found 2 packets of ramen at the top cupboard. Guess this would do for dinner tonight then. “About a month now.”

“Ever since…..”

“Yes, ever since” Chanyeol cut Sehun off before he could say anything. He really was avoiding this topic specifically for today.

“You know I don’t like to pry to things like this, especially about this one. But don’t you think you should tell your mom about it nowy? It’s been too long. I think she’ll get over it.”

“They were close. It felt like he was her son instead me everytime we went back home. I don’t know how to tell her.” Chanyeol took a seat by the kitchen counter. “I couldn’t even remind myself everyday about our situation anyway.”

“So, what, you’re just going to ignore your mom for the rest of your life because you can’t tell her you broke up with Baekhyun?”

“That’s the plan.” Chanyeol sighed. “Can we talk about something else please? I’m not in the mood to talk about all this stuff.”

“Well, we’ve never really actually talked about this stuff. No one ever knew what went down between you two anyway.” Chanyeol could hear Sehun turn off his car’s engine.

“It sounds unfair if every detail of what happened between me and him all came from me. I don’t want to say something bad about him when he’s not there to defend himself. I mean you guys are his friends too.”

“Exactly.” Sehun was already getting out of his car by the way he closed the door. “We’re his friends but he cut us off too. You know we really don’t need your side for us to come up with the conclusion that he’s a jerk okay.”

“See, you’re bad mouthing him already” Chanyeol chuckled. “Anyway, where are you? You’re back at your apartment already?”

“I’m at your building. Figured you were probably moping around today so I brought pizza. I’ll be up in 5 minutes bye!” Sehun immediately cut off the call. It took about 5 seconds before Chanyeol digested what Sehun said. Not that his friend would mind, but his place was a mess and he hasn’t even showered yet. So much for his rule of no social interactions today.

 

As promised, Sehun came barging into his apartment with a box of pizza and 6 packs of beer, his plans of ramen for dinner is now completely forgotten.

The apartment was filthy, as Sehun pointed out multiple times since he came in.  Piles of dishes greeted Sehun when he went to wash his hands on the kitchen sink. There were boxes of take-out sprawled on the floor in trash bags.

“No offense, but your apartment stinks.” Sehun flopped down back on the couch next to Chanyeol. They were already browsing some movies to watch for the night.

“I just haven’t got to cleaning today. I’ll do them tomorrow morning.” Chanyeol grabbed the pizza box from the younger to take a slice. “We can just do a marathon of Game of Thrones before the next season starts. Play that one.” Sehun did what he was told and soon enough the opening credits started.

“Something’s wrong about you today.” Sehun pointed out, moving at the edge of the couch to stare at Chanyeol. “Like I know you’ve always been weird but something’s off about you today.”

“Didn’t your parents ever tell you that it’s rude for you to call people weird.” Chanyeol wanted to sound offended but he was used to this side of his best friend.

“You’re an exception to a lot of things.” Sehun smiled. “But really, you’re like extra…….mopey? Yeah, you’re definitely extra mopey today.”

“Should I be offended by this? You’re the one being weird,”

“No no listen, there’s something extra sad about you today compared to other days. So come on, spit it out.” Sehun grabbed the remote from the center table and paused the show.

“Hey, I was watching that!” Chanyeol made a face. “Ughhh I told you I’m fine.”

“No.” Sehun buried the remote under the pillow by his side. “Something’s bothering you and don’t tell me it’s nothing because I know you.”

Chanyeol groaned, proceeding to take a bite of his pizza again. “You’re being stupid.”

“No, I’m serious. It’s the first time you talked about Baekhyun again ever since you just told us out of the blue that you guys broke up. So, I know something’s up today.” Sehun just looked at him, waiting for an answer.

Chanyeol hates the fact that Sehun knows him all too well to notice about this little detail.  His friends have been giving him the space he needed, and he was forever grateful about it. No one wanted to pry and force him to tell what really happened between them. All they really got was a simple text from Chanyeol saying that him and Baekhyun broke up 2 days after and he doesn’t really want to talk about it, not now and probably not anytime in the near future.

So that’s what his friends did.

During the first month, no one wanted to say anything about Chanyeol’s sudden spiked up love for getting drunk and blacking out on most nights when they went out. They figured it was some sort of a weird coping mechanism that he had going on. It was rather this than letting him hole himself up in his apartment without anyone of them knowing if he’s alright or not. It was really a constant push and pull of guesses from his friends on finding out whether he was actually okay, or he was just pretending that he was fine. That’s why they thought it was a brilliant idea to let him go out and have some fun from time to time, to practically release some of the feelings he had chosen to suppress instead of talking about it. It weirded them out that somehow Chanyeol was practically living his life normally as if he didn’t go through a rough break-up. It was like he had some sort of switch that he turned on and off every time he wanted to be extra sad about everything.

Chanyeol was really thankful that no one really pried too much just to get information from him. Of course, he figured everyone had questions as well, seeing that they were all Baekhyun’s friends too, but he also decided to cut off whatever communication he had with them. His friends wanted to give him space, the right amount of opportunity to be reckless and express whatever he wanted to bury so deep inside him that he can pretend all of it never existed in the first place. After all, Chanyeol was never really the chatty type; never the one that’s willing to open up on stuff that made him feel things. Like his friends said, he had this weird coping mechanism that no one really managed to understand, and the more it happens, the more they just allowed himself to heal on his own.

All they could do was to be there for him and make sure that he won’t actually do something stupid as he basks into whatever he felt was giving him the chance to let loose for a while. He was just really thankful that his friends respected that he doesn’t want to talk about Baekhyun anytime soon.

 

“You know, sometimes I hate you more for knowing me too much.” Chanyeol sighed defeatedly, knowing that he won’t get out of this conversation unless he actually talks about it.

“I sometimes think it’s more of a curse than a blessing actually.” Sehun jokes, trying to make the air more comfortable “Okay, so come on tell me.”

“It’s nothing really………I just..you know….kinda miss him today.” Chanyeol confessed, putting the pizza box on the table as he grabbed a tissue to wipe his greased hands.

“And you suddenly thought of him today because?” Sehun asked.

Chanyeol chuckled. “You’re really going all out with the questions today huh?”

“I’m just trying to push my luck here.” Sehun gave him a small smile. “So, come on, spill.”

“It’s kinda like a special day today.” Chanyeol explained. “Like for me at least. I don’t even think if he’ll remember what today is or was. I mean everytime we celebrated it I was the one initiating to make it a little bit special.”

“What, is it like your anniversary or something?” Sehun asked before taking a sip of his beer.

Chanyeol nodded at him. “Well not like the real anniversary. We celebrated our 5th one last December.”

“You guys have a fake anniversary?” Sehun snorted.

“Shut up, not like that.” Chanyeol threw him a pillow. “It’s kinda our anniversary of when we first went out for a date.”

Chanyeol saw how Sehun made a face. He was already regretting this big time.

“Are you serious?” Sehun asked. Chanyeol wasn’t sure if his friend was actually concerned or he was just contemplating if he wanted to laugh at him.

“I know it’s stupid.” Chanyeol confessed. “But you know how sentimental I get about stuff like this.” Sehun, at first, wanted to laugh, but seeing how Chanyeol was actually serious about it, actually made him sad.

“See this is what’s wrong about you.” Sehun pointed out. “You’re still too attached about stuff like this.”

“It’s just a stupid date okay. I just kinda missed him that’s all. It’s not like a whole give away that I haven’t moved on okay. Because I have….you know, moved on.”

Sehun snorted. “Like are you telling me that you’ve moved on or are you convincing me? Because either way I don’t believe you.”

“I’m serious.” Chanyeol said, slumping on the couch so he could rest his back. “I’ve moved on.”

“I know you want to make yourself believe that, but I l know you haven’t.” Sehun explained. “You know what’s wrong with you right now?”

“That I’ve successfully forgotten my ex?” Chanyeol said, making Sehun hit him with a pillow.

“You wish.” Chanyeol wanted to feel offended. “You’re still too attached about anything remotely connected to Baekhyun hyung. Come on, really? Anniversary of your first date?”

“Hey, we did celebrate that stuff okay.” Chanyeol could recall how him and Baekhyun would go watch a movie on the same movie theater they went to that day, also grabbing dinner on the local diner they went too as well.

“But still, like what’s the point of you remembering all that stuff now when you’re not even together anymore? Do you see the point? You’re being way too sentimental about all of this stuff that’s why you can’t actually go on with the moving on process.” Sehun started to explain. “Look at it this way, I personally haven’t heard you say his name for the whole month since you broke up, like you haven’t even had that extreme breakdown of anger and all that stuff and yet you get all mopey today just because you remember a supposed anniversary for your first date like this? Seriously what’s the point?”

As much as Chanyeol didn’t want to accept it, Sehun made some strong points that actually made sense. It was like a bitter, somber feeling hanging at the back of his throat that he can’t actually get rid off. There was an unimaginable pull that was holding him back from actually throwing away all the things that meant everything to him before. Let Sehun say all he wants to, but for Chanyeol, the 4 years he spent his life with Baekhyun, surrounded with these little reminders or milestones he had with his ex, was something he can’t get rid of that easily.

“If it makes you feel better, I wrote a bunch of stuff that I wanted to say to him.” Chanyeol confessed. “Since I’m pretty much sure I won’t get to talk to him anytime soon. I kept track of all the things I’d say when I see him.” Chanyeol took out his phone from his hoodie front pocket and proceeded to open his notes and scrolled down for Sehun to see.

“Well why not use those stuff?” Sehun suggested, taking another sip of his beer. “I mean you could put those to good use. Might actually help you forget about him bit by bit.”

“Like what? I can’t actually send this stuff for him to read. I don’t even know where the hell he is.”

“Just post it online or something.” Sehun grabbed the pizza box from the table. “Don’t people like create blogs and stuff and post anonymous messages for their exes? Why not do that.”

“And let people see how pathetically in love and angry I was at the same time? No thank you.” Chanyeol opened his notes one by one,

“It’s anonymous anyway.” Sehun shrugged. “Oh! Or maybe like create songs out of them?”

“Songs? Like compose stuff?” Chanyeol asked, sitting up again.

“Yeah, come on I think you’d be much more comfortable with doing that. Put your music degree into good use.” Sehun pointed out.

Chanyeol’s thoughts were drowned out already when Sehun proceeded to play back the series on TV. It was actually an idea that he didn’t really hate the thought of.

 

 

 

 

 

____________

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol came home early on a Wednesday night.

There wasn’t really much work for him to do at the office anyway since his supervisor was on leave until Friday. It actually gave him some free time to think about what Sehun was going on about last week, about putting his letters to good use so he can actually proceed with his life as quickly as possible.

He placed the Chinese take-out he got on his way home at the kitchen counter before going to his room to change in his usual trainers and the hoodie that he’s been wearing on and off for the past week. Initially, he thought of just continuing his Game of Thrones marathon until he passes out on his couch again, but Sehun’s voice was echoing in his mind about everything.

At first, he really wanted to just do it out of spite, well to Sehun at least, to rub it in his face that he’s very much willing to forget and leave all of this behind, contrary to what he’s been going on about him being still too attached about everything.

He has actually composed some stuff ever since Sunday because he had the time. He picked up some of the materials he was playing around before and somehow managed to adjust it a little bit, so it could fit to the whole mood of every letter that he wrote. Although a lot needs to still be revised, he thinks he has some good material enough to actually start the songs tonight.

After finishing dinner, Chanyeol proceeded to retrieve the shoe box from the top shelf of his closet. He went straight back to the couch after getting the box, setting aside his laptop beside him so he can place the thing on the table. After dusting off the built-up dust on the cover, Chanyeol proceeded to open the box and smile when he sees the point and shoot camera his sister got him about a year ago. He hasn’t used the thing since last Christmas, but it still looks completely functional. After placing the battery back inside, he felt relieved when it started to work. He immediately took a test shot of his kitchen.

He was already set on doing the first song he finished composing since Monday. It somehow triggered his love for composing, making it a sudden outlet on his frustrated dreams of pursuing anything music related in this lifetime. With the camera working, Chanyeol proceeded to make a makeshift studio in his living room couch. He set aside his laptop on the floor by the coffee table, reminding himself to create a channel later after he’s done with all of this. He quickly retrieved his old college books in his room, stacking them up to make a temporary tripod. He made sure the angle was just right, showing enough of his kitchen at the back but also a good shot of himself playing the guitar on his couch. It was the perfect height, just catching his chest down. He wasn’t really keen on showing his face to world yet, especially if something magically happens and Baekhyun comes across his video. He really doesn’t want the latter knowing that everything he’s about to upload on his channel has a direct connection with him.

With the whole apartment floor being quiet enough for him, he didn’t bother using the mic on his earphones for this one just yet. After getting his acoustic guitar from his room, Chanyeol settles in front of the camera, staring hard into it as he lets his emotions settle for a minute.

With a quick inhale and exhale, Chanyeol presses the camera and starts to record.

 

“Hi.” Chanyeol smiles, although the camera doesn’t really capture his face. He knew being awkward in front of the camera was going to be a hurdle. He still tried his best to continue.

“This is going to be my first time uploading anything on the internet so I’m sorry if I sound way too awkward right now, because I really am. Uhm, anyway, I have these letters that I wrote when me and my ex of 4 years broke up, about a month ago. Well I can’t really point out if it was a good or a bad break-up since we didn’t really talk it out. But anyway, a friend said that I should do something about the letters and so here I am.

“I’m trying to turn them into songs, maybe make it into some sort of like a therapy for me to actually start and move on from all this? I really don’t know. So yeah. All of these are personal, written during a moment where my emotions where at its highest and I didn’t actually know what to do with them.” Chanyeol chuckled. “I don’t have any title for all these stuff that I’ll eventually post on here yet so I’ll just figure them out while I do this. I hope you’ll listen. Probably you’ll be able to hear me out this time.” He whispers the last words, letting the familiar sense of indifference somehow flow into his system that he’s trying so hard to brush them off.

He took a quick inhale and exhale again, hands positions at his guitar as he started strumming to the chords he made last Monday while familiar emotions started to linger. The words started flowing out, taking him back to the time when he wrote them all for the first time.

 

 _“[I tried ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4c2WBDIIqA)to call you on the phone, but you don’t pick up_  
_And I lost you and I lost my mind._  
_Now I tryna leave it, I’m trying_  
_But you still haunt me no matter where I go_

 _If I could turn back time and make it all alright_  
_Only a piece of you and me will keep me warm all night_  
_If I could turn back time and rewrite every line  
_ _If only I could, but baby, I can’t._

 _Maybe it’s a mistake if we let the clock break_  
_Everything in my mind is telling me_  
_That it’s a mistake and it ends in heartbreak  
_ _Everything in my mind is telling me._

 _To try and turn back time and make it all alright_  
_Only a piece of you and me will keep me warm all night_  
_If I could turn back time and rewrite every line  
_ _If only I could, but baby, I can’t.”_

______________

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been a week since Chanyeol has made his channel and uploaded his first song for the world to see. He hasn’t actually checked the channel since then, channeling his spare time into continuously making melodies for his letters. It really was useful to him that he still has the bunch of chords he used to play around with during college. The amount of inspiration he had back then was really endless.

With passing dinner as he didn’t feel like it, Chanyeol opted to check his channel before going to bed. Not gonna lie, he was nervous in a way. It was the first time he ever uploaded a video of him, let alone of him singing. He didn’t actually think that the first chance he would sing in public would be thru a video.

He wasn’t really expecting for people to discover his video and actually like it. The mere thought of getting it out there was already a great feat for him.

He decided to name his channel Loey, really a not subtle way of showing that he owned the thing. Loey had always been his somewhat pen name even during college when he would submit stuff that was about his compositions. It was also something Baekhyun never got the chance to know of so it was a safe choice. He kept the channel bare, leaving the about section blank and just a screenshot from his first video as the display picture. He wanted to be as low key as possible. The lesser people who knew that he owned it, the better he would feel.

So, after logging in his details, chanyeol was surprised the little bell icon at the top part of his channel to be in red, indicating that he had received notifications from it.

He opened the video itself and Chanyeol can’t help but break into a small grin when he saw that he had over 5,000 views already and had about 100 subscribers. For Chanyeol this was already a huge accomplishment, initially expecting that he would just get about 100 views tops. This was amazing.

He moved on to reading the comments and his heart swelled when he read that a lot of people liked it.

 

 

 

_[+78, -0] Where have you been all this time? Oh my god your voice is amazing even if the story is heartbreaking :( definitely subscribing!_

_[+97, -15] it really hurts when you fall in love with people that don’t actually deserve what you give them_

_[+66, -15] this was really really good for an amateur._

_[+49, -8] damn i want to learn those chords_

_[+56, -2] it’s amazing how you actually composed this. It’s some really good stuff. Can’t wait to hear more_

_[+8, -40] I’ve listened to better self-composed songs_

_[+27, -5] your ex must have really broken your heart for you to write things about that person._

_[+37, -3] Must’ve took you a great amount of courage before sharing something so personal for the world to see. This was good_

 

 

 

The response was overwhelming, especially coming from someone that hasn’t composed anything in a long time. There were some negative comments of course, but Chanyeol just took it as a form of constructive criticism. Also, he can’t really please anyone anyway. Chanyeol was glad that a lot liked it, somehow it made him feel even just a little bit better knowing that there were people out there that was willing to listen to his story.

Since he wasn’t feeling sleepy just yet, Chanyeol decided to set-up his makeshift studio once again in his living room. He brought out the tripod he bought off from the local market during the weekend he did his grocery shopping. The thing was secondhand, but sturdy nonetheless. It was already ten times better than using a stack of books just to get the angle that he wanted.

So, with the camera in place, and Chanyeol holding his guitar once again, he started to record.

“Hey, it’s me again. Okay before I proceed to telling the story behind this song, I just want to say that I am really really grateful for everyone who have watched, left comments and even subscribed to this channel. I really am a noob for this stuff and I’m still kinda stoked that people even watched this thing.” Chanyeol can’t really help himself from smiling.

“So the song I’m going to do this time has a completely different emotion from the first song I did. Although how we broke up wasn’t pretty, I still spent rather a great amount of time with him. I spent some of the best days of my life in his company and those are memories that I’ll forever treasure. I wrote this letter when I was reminiscing the day when we first met. I wanted to tell him how he made me feel the moment I first saw him, of how he made me all nervous when I didn’t even know his name yet. I just wanted to remind him that after all these time, he still had that same effect on me…… But of course, here we are. So yeah, I hope you guys would like it too.”

Chanyeol started strumming the guitar and proceeded to sing his newly composed tune.

 

 

 _“[It was dark ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-11qcbh24l8)_  
_Streetlights threw shadows through the park_  
_I was late First impression I've failed to shake_  
_You were stood A little bit shorter than I expected_  
_I was sure I'd lose my cool but somehow i kept it_

 _That was the first time_  
_I laid My eyes on you_

 _You were mad I gave you every excuse that I had_  
_As we wandered_  
_Oh how I lusted for longer_  
_Through alleyways, romantic games_  
_The next few days_  
_We fell into each other_  
  
_You were my one true real life lover_  
_That was the first time_  
_I laid my eyes on you”_

 

 

_Glimmer was bustling as it was every Tuesday night. Although he was a regular no matter what day of the week it was, Chanyeol specifically loved visiting the place on this specific day because of one thing: Acoustic Tuesdays. The place felt like home for him because of how comfortable he had always felt inside it. Him and his band back in college would perform at Glimmer 2-3 times per month, depending on how many original compositions and covers they could squeeze in to rehearse despite their busy academic lives. For Chanyeol, the place will always possess that subtle glow of light he’d always want to keep in his life;  like a little reminder that he still hasn’t lost that piece of dream in him even though life didn’t turned out the way he had hoped for._

_Chanyeol arrived at the place half past 8 in the evening. He already changed into his go to outfit of a grey shirt under an oversized denim jacket and black jeans. He opted to just keep his glasses on, too lazy and already on the rush to actually wear his contacts for a change. He also thought he needed to let his eyes rest from directly absorbing light if he plans to get a good view of the stage later._

_The place had the right amount of people when he came, not too crowded and not too bare as well. He greeted the bouncer by the door, immediately letting him in. Chanyeol went straight to the bar to get a drink._

_“You really weren’t kidding when you said Tuesdays were your favorite.” Donghae smiled at him. Immediately handing him a bottle of beer._

_“I’m basically a Tuesday regular for years now and you still won’t believe me hyung.” Chanyeol laughed. It was the first time in months that he managed to run in to Donghae, Glimmer’s owner and a trusted hyung to him. “Why are you manning the bar tonight?”_

_“Well the other bartender got sick so I’m helping the part timer tonight. He won’t be able to handle the amount of people tonight. Tuesday is always a busy night” Donghae took out a beer for himself as well. “Enough about me, how’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.”_

_Chanyeol smiled, taking a quick sip of his beer. “I’m good. I still come here like every once in a while to watch new bands.”_

_“Don’t you miss it, being onstage and stuff? You know I can still squeeze in another band on Tuesdays, especially if it’s an old favorite.” The older offered._

_If it was only Chanyeol’s choice, he would accept the offer in a heartbeat. However, with how life had taken its toll on him and his friends, it really wasn’t a right time to squeeze in something that they really don’t have any time of doing anymore._

_“I would love to, but it’s been so long since we last played together.” Chanyeol confessed, whirling the bottle on his hand a bit. “Plus we’re really busy figuring out this whole adulting stuff.”_

_Donghae chuckled. “Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me.” The older finished his drink and proceeded to serve the other customers at the bar._

 

_Chanyeol was just relaxing, finally having the chance to relieve some of the stress that had accumulated over the past work week. Although he really just slept throughout the weekend, going to his favorite bar to listen to music gave him a different kind of relaxation._

_People continued coming in as the time for the show to begin becomes closer. Chanyeol opted to just stay at the stool on the bar, giving him the perfect distance and view of the stage. He really wasn’t with anyone anyway so he thought it would be a dumb idea to get a table to himself anyway, he wasn’t that selfish. The place was packed as always, filled with the students from Chanyeol’s old university just 2 blocks away, as well as people like him, looking for a way to destress on the demands of adulthood that was suddenly flung to their faces. He enjoyed looking around at the place, enjoying the little nostalgia he was feeling here and there. He was here on a regular basis, about 2-3 times a week with his friends, but this was the first time in months that he went out alone. It gave him the perfect opportunity to just absorb whatever comfort Glimmer brings him._

_He was busy minding his own business, just getting his second bottle of beer from Donghae when the lights onstage suddenly dimmed and howls and claps from the people erupted. The show was about to start._

_The band was rather new, as Donghae told him before he disappeared into the crowd again. They were currently playing songs about suddenly coming to terms with love, of finding the true essence of soulmates in a world where i love yous have been thrown out with little to no meaning anymore. It was good. Chanyeol thought the song was really good, it gave him a good feeling again, of a very sudden urge to maybe start writing again so he could feel his soul alive once again. He allowed the melodies to consume him, of the words to linger on his ears as it gets absorbed by his head. He opened his eyes to look at the stage again, but his eyes caught something, rather someone, who was far more beautiful than the song that was being played._

_Chanyeol needed to let his eyes stay on the man for a little while longer to really appreciate him. He was seated by the table near the stage with, who Chanyeol supposes, are his friends. He was at the right side of the table, chatting animately with his friends as he slowly bopped his head to the tune of the music. Chanyeol had to admit that the man was definitely beautiful, especially when his face is perfectly receiving a nice glow from the lights that were on stage. Chanyeol couldn’t help but stare, realizing it’s already too much when their eyes suddenly met for the 2nd time that night. He could feel his ears heat up when he quickly averted his eyes back on stage, calming his heart at the thought of the man finding him creepy for staring too much._

_“Who are you staring at?” Donghae nudged him, sitting at the stool next to his. “I know you’re not looking at the stage.”_

_Chanyeol was flustered, immediately averting his eyes somewhere else before looking at his hyung. “W-What? I was looking at the band what are you talking about?”_

_“Why are you being shy? Bars are places for people to meet other people okay? It’s not like your a toddler or anything.”_

_“But I wasn’t looking at anyone really” Chanyeol looked at the man again, now laughing with his friends. He really was beautiful._

_Donghae tried to follow Chanyeol’s line of vision and chuckled when he saw who they were. They were definitely a familiar group._

_“You sure? ‘Cause for a second there I thought you were looking at Jongdae’s group at the front.”_

_Chanyeol squinted. Jongdae? He doesn’t look like a Jongdae though. “Who’s Jongdae?”_

_“The brunette at the left.” Donghae pointed out. “Which I’m guessing is not the one you’re looking at. One of his friends maybe?” The older had a mischievous grin plastered on his face, definitely enjoying the flustered expression Chanyeol had when it looked like he got caught looking again._

_“This is embarrassing.” Chanyeol said under his breath, enough for the older to hear him. “Are they regulars here? I haven’t seen them before.” He just decided to look at the group of youngsters laughing boisterously at the table near the bar. At least they were having a stress free night._

_“You know you can’t really memorize everyone coming here even if you’re practically here all the time.” Donghae laughed at him. “Besides you two basically go at different days of the week. They’re my regular Friday group.”_

_“Open mic night?” Chanyeol asked. The pretty man must have a nice voice._

_“You better think of a conversation fast Chanyeol.” Donghae said, slowly going back to his position at the bar._

_“Huh?”_

_“He’s going towards you”_

_Chanyeol quickly looked towards the stage again, and true enough, pretty man was walking straight to his direction, carrying a bottle of his beer. He could feel his hands go clammy and probably his heart beating a little bit faster than usual. He quickly turned around to look at Donghae to gain some sort of encouragement or even anything, but the older just gave him a smile and a quick thumbs up before assisting the other bartender._

_“Hey” Pretty man uttered. Chanyeol was stunned how beautiful he was up close. He was much smaller compared to Chanyeol, looking even more adorable as he finally notices that the smaller was wearing a brown shirt under a black bomber jacket and a gray beanie._

_“Uhm...hi.” Chanyeol replied. He wanted to curse how weak he sounded. This is not how he’d want to leave a first impression._

_“Is this seat taken?” He was motioning at the empty stool next to Chanyeol. The taller shook his head. “Thanks.”_

_It felt awkward, especially since Chanyeol had been staring at the guy for awhile from a distance. Having him upclose all of a sudden was doing all sorts of things in his heart. It felt weird in a good way._

_“Can I say something totally out of the blue?” Pretty man said, successfully gaining Chanyeol’s attention. “I dunno if it’s just because of the alcohol or not, but were you looking at me a while ago?”_

_To say Chanyeol was flustered was definitely an understatement. He could feel his cheeks heat up and the constant blinking he suddenly did was a dead give away that he really got caught._

_“Uhmmmm” he was racking his brains out for an excuse that would make him look less of a creep than he already was. “Don’t misunderstand. I’m not a creep or anything.”_

_Pretty man chuckled. He had his body turned to Chanyeol’s direction now, a clear indication that he wasn’t at all uncomfortable with their little situation._

_“So you were staring.” He laughed. Chanyeol could feel his heartbeat pick up pace again. “Guess my gut feeling was right.” He took a quick sip of his drink. “I’m baekhyun by the way.” He flashed him a smile while offering a hand._

_“Chanyeol.” He took his hand. “So much for the good first impression.” Chanyeol let out a nervous laugh, taking a quick sip of his beer to somehow calm his nerves._

_“Oh trust me, being stared at is a definite way to get me to remember you.” Baekhyun laughed. “So Chanyeol, what are you doing here on a Tuesday night aside from staring at strangers?” There was a hint of mischief dripping from Baekhyun’s voice. Chanyeol wasn’t sure if he should go along with it._

_“I go to this place a lot. Been going here for years. Me and my band used to play here every Tuesdays back in college.” Chanyeol said, leaning a little over to Baekhyun so he could hear. The band was starting another song._

_“Ooohhh a music man.” Baekhyun gave him a soft smile. “You guys still play?”_

_“Not anymore. Everyone’s been pretty busy since graduation. I just visit this place for fun and maybe see how the scene is these days.”_

_“That sucks. I would’ve loved to see you play.” He leaned in closer to make sure Chanyeol hears him._

_“Maybe one of these days I’ll let you listen to my stuff.” Chanyeol gave a small smile. He was getting brave at this._

_“I admire the sudden bravery to flirt right there” Baekhyun gave a chuckle. Chanyeol could feel his heart do a little flip._

_“So how about you, I haven’t seen you around here before.”  The music was much more slower, allowing the two to conversate in a much easier way._

_“Tuesday’s really isn’t my day for Glimmer, I go every Fridays with my friends. We just went out because we were bored.” Baekhyun explained._

_“You must have a pretty voice  if open mic night is your favorite.” Chanyeol was already cringing inside with his failed attempt at making this conversation even remotely fun._

_“Maybe. Might let you hear me sing next time too.” Oh this conversation was getting fun alright._

_The night progressed with Chanyeol conversing with Baekhyun as band after band took the stage to sing their songs. Chanyeol felt a new kind of happiness as he continued talking to Baekhyun, like at the back of his mind it didn’t really matter that they just met about a few minutes before. He felt much more comfortable speaking with the smaller as compared to casual acquaintances that he can’t quite hold long conversations with. He can’t really actually lie and say that he isn’t interested even just a bit, because he is. Baekhyun was definitely something, judging by how they talked about the most random stuff without the fear of being judged by a complete stranger like him. It felt easy. Chanyeol thought this was something he would like to have constant in his life. So Chanyeol went home that night with a warm feeling in his heart, a smile on his face, and a napkin with Baekhyun’s phone number written on it and a promise to meet up at Glimmer on Saturday._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

____________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a lazy weekend yet again. Chanyeol was busy playing around with his laptop, figured to check the stats of the video he uploaded the other day. So far his channel was doing great. He had already over 10,000 subscribers during the course of the first month since he created the thing. He has about 4 videos up so far and he was extremely grateful for all the attention he was getting. The people who watched his videos were always showering him love with the tons of comments that he gets in every video. Everyone was curious as to who was all the inspiration of the songs were. Although Chanyeol never really intends to publicize who the songs were for, he tries as hard as he can to give his listeners a brief background or like a story of some sort of why he wrote that particular song. He wanted them to feel connected to it as well, for them not to think that they were just random songs that he suddenly thought of creating without any inspiration behind it or whatsoever. 

His subscribers started the hashtag #LoeySings about a week ago, reaching a hefty audience on other social media platforms as well. Chanyeol usually reads a lot of their comments and inputs under the hashtag. He created a private account on twitter already just to lurk around and see the overall response to everything. It comforts him in a way, of knowing that how sappy he was with everything, was definitely normal and that he wasn’t actually going overboard with just the whole process of trying to really move on from everything.

So with the hashtag roaming around for a week now, Chanyeol posted a comment on his latest video about 3 days ago saying that he would be doing a special Q&A type of thing so he could actually express his gratitude to everyone who has been supporting him. Which is why he called up Sehun that afternoon to help him film the video. Sehun has been really supportive throughout the whole thing. His other friends were already aware of his little channel and everyone was really supportive. They thought it was a great therapy of some sort for him since they know it really isn’t easy for him to start anew, judging how they were very much aware of how Baekhyun really left such an impact in Chanyeol’s life for the past few years.

 

 “Damn I didn’t know you had this much subscribers and it’s been just a month.” Sehun was busy scrolling around Chanyeol’s channel as the older was finishing up the setting of his makeshift studio.

“I know right? I can’t believe people that much are interested in listening to my sappy videos too.” Chanyeol was still adjusting the height of the tripod.

“I gotta admit, your songs are good. And I like how you give them a little background on the song you wrote. Like at least they know that there’s a depth to it in a way.”

“Awww spoken like a true fan”

“Shut up.” Chanyeol chuckled, dodging the balled up tissue that Sehun threw at him. “I’m being serious and you’re acting like an ass.”

“I’m joking. You know I’m thankful.”

“Yeah right. Come on let’s start this thing already.” Sehun carried the living room as he took his spot behind the camera. He dragged a chair in front of the tv, back facing the screen as he seated across Chanyeol. The older made sure that the angle was still right, only taking a good shot of him from the shoulders now. He also had no intentions of showing Sehun to the camera, seeing that it would totally blow the whole mysterious thing he had going on from the start.

Chanyeol took his usual spot on the couch and proceeded to start recording.

 

“Hi, so as promised the other day, I’m gonna be doing a little Q&A video today just to say how I’m so thankful for each and everyone of you for giving my videos and my channel in general lots of love.” Chanyeol was beaming. “So I told you guys to drop any questions you’d like to ask me by using the hashtag #LoeySings. Shoutout to whoever came up with this by the way. So yeah, I have my friend at the back filming who will help me with all these stuff. Say hi friend.” Sehun did a quick wave at the camera, chuckling at how stupid it must’ve looked right now. “He’ll ask me stuff and then I’ll just answer. So yeah, here we go.”

Chanyeol gave the signal to Sehun and the latter started scrolling through the comment sections. “Okay so first one, how long were you together with your ex and when did you broke up?

“Hmmm so we were together for 5 years, we celebrated our 5th anniversary last December and we broke up around mid Feb I think?” Chanyeol was trying to do the math in his mind. It’s been a good month and a half since he last spoke to Baekhyun. It feels realizing how long it’s been.

“Really a fan of your channel. You write such good songs too. I remember you said on your first video that all the songs were originally letters. Do you have any plans of sending your ex the letter or maybe letting him listen to the songs?” Sehun was also genuinely curious about this one.

Chanyeol grabbed his coffee from the table to take a quick sip before answering. “Well first of all thanks for giving my songs lots of love. Really appreciate it.” He gave a quick thumbs up. “For your questions,I think it’s safe to say that right now I don’t actually have any plans of letting him know all of this? Like it’s actually the main reason why I don’t show my face at all because I don’t want him to find all of this because I’m still actually on the process of getting over him.” Chanyeol explained, doing a quick smile at Sehun who looked quite convinced with his answer.

 

“When did you start singing and playing the guitar?” Sehun read the next question.

“I learned how to play the guitar when I was 7. I also learned how to play the piano by that time too. I was an eager kid growing up so I tried to learn as may instruments as possible. I think that’s a factor why I majored in music production. For singing, I started back in college, I had a band back then too but I was just a sub vocal. I somehow made my real singing debut with my first video here.” Chanyeol laughed, feeling embarrassed with every little confession he makes.

“Here’s the next question.” Sehun continues to scroll down. “How do you actually write the songs? I know it’s hard to have all the lyrics ready but with no melody to pair with it. You’re gifted I swear.”

“Thank you so much for that. I’m not really gifted or anything, I just got lucky that I have a bunch of compositions ready that I never actually used before. It was also cool that most of the letters I wrote actually fit the overall vibe of the composition.”

“Oh this is a good one.” Sehun was smiling at him, having a little glint of mischievousness Chanyeol didn’t know if he should be afraid or not. “Advice on getting over an ex you never thought would ever be your ex? It’s been half a year since we broke up and it’s still tough to get over him”

“You’re really going to ask me that? Someone who practically made a youtube account just to get over an ex?” Chanyeol laughed, leaning back so he can rest on the couch as he found the question funny. “I mean I don’t think I’m actually fit to give advice to someone when I practically need one for myself too, but I think first thing to do is to accept it in yourself that everything is really over? Like I personally think break-ups are shit and it’s a fucking cycle that no one deserves to experience yet it’s inevitable especially when we’re practically programmed to fall in love. But I think, having that moment to just sit and like accept it in yourself that everything is over, and you have a good cry about it, it’s basically a good start on the healing process.”

“Did you do that?” Sehun suddenly asked. “The whole crying it out process? You know I have never really seen you cry in the years we’ve known each other.

“Oh definitely.” Chanyeol nodded. “I took a day off the following day when I realized he wasn’t coming back. I practically didn’t leave my bed the whole day and just cried my eyes out while fidgeting with some songs on my playlist.” Chanyeol continued. “I thought he was joking when he said we were breaking up the night before because he always said stupid stuff like that when we got into big fights. I was the stupid one not realizing that the fight was different, that he was dead serious about wanting to actually break-up with me.” Sehun was surprised with the sudden confession, let alone with Chanyeol being able to retell something very private in a manner that looked like it wouldn’t affect him at all.

 

“When you say you realize that he wasn’t coming back, you mean he actually left?” Chanyeol nodded again, taking a quick sip of his coffee again for added confidence. “I thought you just called it quits and you eventually got the apartment because it’s yours to begin with.”

“He stormed out when we fought that night. I figured he’d just go to one of his best friends so he can clear his head off and we could talk in the morning. Then I left for work the following day and he still wasn’t there. Then when I came back that night, ready to apologize and try to at least make things better, all his clothes were gone and his phone was turned off. His friends weren’t answering any of my calls too, no one wanted to talk to me. And that’s when I thought that maybe he wanted a permanent time away from me.”

 

Chanyeol remembers that fight as clear as day. Both allowing their emotions be the ones to take over them rather than being rational about anything. It was supposed to be a great night, both of them agreed to get off work early to spend some time together since they both were swamped on Valentine’s Day itself. Baekhyun said he’d cook that night, kinda like a post Valentine type of dinner with just the two of them, no annoying clients on his side and no demanding deadlines on Chanyeol’s end. It should’ve been perfect really. Chanyeol even said he’d stop by the cafe a few blocks from their apartment since Baekhyun was obsessed with their Strawberry Shortcake. So Baekhyun got out of work at 6PM as planned, quickly dropping by the supermarket to get a few stuff before going straight home to start dinner. Chanyeol told him this morning that he’d try his best to get out at around 7PM the latest so he can help out too, even if it really just meant he’d throw flirty comments while Baekhyun was the one doing the actual cooking.

So Baekhyun proceeded to prepare for dinner, cooking Chanyeol’s favorite Spicy Chicken Stew as he waits for his boyfriend to come home. He already sent Chanyeol a text, asking where he was since it was already half past 7PM but the taller didn’t reply. Baekhyun thought he must have fallen asleep on the bus ride back home. So he gave it some time, after all he was just finishing up with dinner anyway.

 

So Baekhyun waited.

 

He doesn’t even remember how long he was waiting at the dinner table that he actually fell asleep.  He just woke up to the sound of their pass code being typed in their door and of Chanyeol entering their living room, tossing his bag by the door as he flops on the couch. Baekhyun was confused. Did Chanyeol not notice him waiting by the table? Or he simply doesn’t care? So Baekhyun walked up to him, he was still a few steps away from the couch but the smell of alcohol was already so strong. Baekhyun was fuming. He wasn’t sure if it’s because Chanyeol went home drunk and completely forgot to tell him, or is it he actually got stood up on the dinner date that Chanyeol was the one who proposed on doing?

Things escalated quickly after that, with alcohol seeping through Chanyeol’s system and with Baekhyun letting his anger take over him, it was expected that it would eventually turn into a big fight. There was the usual throw of how irresponsible Chanyeol was, how he never really cared anymore, not even thinking of the efforts Baekhyun did in order to make the night special. How he didn’t have any time to spare anymore, not thinking that Baekhyun had been waiting for him all night to come home and not even a single text from him saying that he was running late or that he can’t make it. Just a simple text, a simple heads up. That’s what Baekhyun was only asking for. Chanyeol was quick enough to reason out that he was out with a client suddenly, closing a deal that literally could make or break his position in the company. That as much as he wanted to go home early for the dinner, he can’t just excuse himself out of it. He was apologetic about informing Baekhyun ahead of time, but was it really necessary for him to make the simple misunderstanding such a big deal? Things just started went downhill after that, both starting to nitpick on every little detail they hated about each other, bringing up every past argument they’ve had before just to back them up for this one. Baekhyun was the one who started it, clawing on the fact that Chanyeol was the workaholic one between the two of them, always the one using work as an excuse to forget about dates, anniversaries, everything in general. Every spare time Chanyeol had was always dedicated to work, that he felt like he was the second option here,  because work always came first. For Baekhyun, it felt like Chanyeol was in a relationship with his work more than he was with him.

Chanyeol felt awestruck with how Baekhyun made it seem as if he was the only one at fault, as if all the blame there is for their falling relationship is all his wrongdoing. He can’t actually defend himself that much with how he was becoming so attached to work, because it was true, he really was becoming the workaholic he never wanted to be. But can you blame him? When all he wanted was to excel in something that basically was his fallback when everything went downhill. Chanyeol never got the greater end of the promised flourishing career in music that his professors had been raving about when he was in university. He blamed it on a lot of things, of the lack of opportunities, of the missed chances, of bad luck and sometimes basically his lack of talent to actually make a name for himself. He was struggling to be able to somehow find a new solace in things that can bring even just an ounce of thrill and happiness that music had always given him. He found it in Advertising.  A close friend in high school was the one who got him the interview for the job, taking it like a last resort of things, Chanyeol really gave it his all just to even land an apprentice role. It was a career that required him to get his creative juices flowing non-stop throughout the day. It didn’t gave him the same adrenaline that composing has been giving him, but it would suffice. It took him awhile to to get used to it, but, he took the opportunity to actually learn the craft and eventually fall in love with it. He knows it sounds stupid and maybe it’s mostly the alcohol talking, but he was lashing out on Baekhyun so much, furious as he heard the older pointing out that his work was the one that’s breaking them apart, when on most days, Chanyeol felt like his work was one of the few things that made him feel alive, that made him feel like his old self again. Chanyeol started on pointing out that maybe the reason that Baekhyun was so furious at how attached he is with work, was because he didn’t want Chanyeol to actually be successful in it; that he was purposefully blaming his work just so Chanyeol could reevaluate his life choices and see that his work was basically the only thing that was tearing them apart. In that moment, Chanyeol thought it made so much sense, knowing that Baekhyun was well aware of how Chanyeol was so in love with the older, always willing to make sacrifices just to make sure that Baekhyun was happy. Maybe Baekhyun didn’t want him to be successful, he didn’t want to be left behind while Chanyeol practically soared in his career. After all, Baekhyun still didn’t have a stable job, still juggling 2-3 part time gigs as he still hasn’t figured out what he wanted to do with life. Maybe Baekhyun was nothing but jealous of him, of wanting him to be in a stagnant career so that they were both basically at the same level. And all Chanyeol did was loudly shout everything running though his mind that night.

He picked on the worst thing that he could ever point out to Baekhyun. He made it seem as if Baekhyun saw him as a threat that’s why all he could ever blame was him being a workaholic on why they were falling apart bit by bit. It was the worst decision he ever made, of letting the alcohol take over him. Up until now he still couldn’t believe that he actually resorted into that kind of logic when all Baekhyun had been was supportive from the start. But regret was the only thing that was left of him the morning after. He vividly remember Baekhyun crying, looking as if his world had betrayed him. Chanyeol remembers how his then boyfriend had told him that he had enough, that it was already too much and that it was over. He remembers Baekhyun grabbing his coat as he made his way out of their apartment, crying. That was the last time he saw him.

 

 

[All I want](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6BwAWiHcSg) is nothing more   
To hear you knocking at my door   
'Cause if I could see your face once more I could die as a happy man I'm sure

 _When you said your last goodbye_  
I died a little bit inside  
I lay in tears in bed all night   
Alone without you by my side

  
But If you loved me   
Why did you leave me

 _'Cause you brought out the best of me_  
A part of me I'd never seen  
  
You took my soul wiped it clean   
Our love was made for movie screens

 _But If you loved me_  
Why did you leave me   
Take my body   
Take my body   
  
All I want is   
All I need is  
To find somebody   
I'll find somebody

 

 

 

“Wow. You really sound good hyung.” Sehun was the one who broke the silence, pulling Chanyeol back to reality as he finished singing the song.

“Never thought I’d do a sudden song though.” Chanyeol rubbed his nape, feeling a little embarrass having to sing in front of a friend.

“When did you wrote that one?” Sehun asked, genuinely still amazed with how emotional the song got him.

“I think I wrote the letter the same day I found out that he really left. I had to do something to the overwhelming thoughts that were running through my head at some point.” Chanyeol quickly explained, placing the guitar back beside him. “Anymore questions?”

“Oh right, wait.” Sehun continued scrolling down. “Hmmm, any regrets of being in a relationship with your ex since your break-up was too painful for you?”

“No regrets.” Chanyeol answered quickly. “Though the break-up was, and still is hard to deal with, I would never trade all the good memories we created together for anything.”

“He really meant the world to you didn’t he? Kind of makes me feel bad that I called him an ass before.” Sehun confessed, making Chanyeol chuckle.

“You were his friend too you know, you know how amazing he was to be around with, imagine having the chance to actually spend almost everyday with him.”

Sehun made a face. “I know, but it still doesn’t justify the way he ended things with you, and to us, his friends, okay. He’s still an ass for that.”

Chanyeol laughed, Sehun really was something else.

 

The afternoon flew by fast as him and Sehun continued doing his little Q&A video. He ended up singing [another song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm4QUxMZYQw)when asked of one of his most favorite letters he has written that he hasn’t uploaded a song of. He quickly retells of how he discovered a few of Baekhyun’s things about a week later into the break-up when he actually began cleaning up some stuff. He saw a stack of unused polaroid films and some wooden clothespin by the last drawer by the bed. Baekhyun had always insisted of Chanyeol stacking up on these things, especially with how he was very much fond of taking polaroid shots of the two of them every time he felt like it. The wall above their bed was fill with them, all clipped by a little wooden clothespin as they were lined up. All the pictures were gone when Baekhyun left that day too. The only thing left were the markings on the wall, a clear indication how long those pictures were present in their lives, like a little trip down memory lane of some sorts. It brought comfort back then. All the emotions by that time suddenly sprung up once again, but that time, it was more of longing, of missing Baekhyun’s presence by his side, instead of the usual grief and emptiness that had been lingering in Chanyeol’s heart for the past few days back then. It was hard, yes, but it was a learning process that he needed to continue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

____________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol had never felt this great in weeks.

His channel had continued to gain a steady number of followers by the day and he couldn’t be any happier. He was also proud of the fact that he had overcame the insecurity of actually opening up about his true feelings over everything. It really did become a therapy of some sorts for him, slowly allowing himself to be vocal in order to slowly forget and move on as well. It has been a good month and half since he first opened his channel and roughly has around a little less than 300,000 subscribers. Chanyeol was beyond overwhelmed, not really knowing what to do with the fact that there were a ton of people that spared time in their lives to hear his songs. He was beyond thrilled about everything.

He dragged his friends to celebrate that Friday night to celebrate over his little success. He had been vocal to his other friends about his channel ever since Sehun made him realize that he was overthinking everything way too much. Of course as expected, his friends was very proud of him, very encouraging especially when they figured it out among themselves who the songs were dedicated to. Sehun had suggested for them to try out the pub that was about 3 blocks away from Glimmer, knowing that Chanyeol would much rather spend a night of celebration far away from the club that hold too much memories for his friend. Chanyeol was ecstatic with the idea since it had been ages since he actually went out with his friend, being too slumped with work and with writing melodies for his letters on his spare time. They met up at half past 8 in the evening that Friday night to celebrate.

 

“To Chanyeol!” His friends cheered, clinking their shot glasses together before downing the shots in one go.

“Aaaahhhh this feels great!” Chanyeol said, beaming as he quickly bit on the lime to get rid of the after taste of the alcohol.

“Of course you should feel great, damn you have 300,000 people watching your videos!” Junmyeon cheered, downing another shot as he patted Chanyeol on the shoulder.

“It still feels so surreal when I actually hear it from someone other than me” Chanyeol immediately smiled. “But thank you.”

“Hell yeah you should be proud, you’ve worked hard for it.” Sehun pointed out, downing another shot as well. “Didn’t know your heartbreak could actually resort to something grand as this.”

“You know I have you to thank for that right? You were the one who told me to do something about the whole moping thing anyway.”

“Damn right I did. So you better give me free stuff when companies start sponsoring your videos soon.” Sehun laughed. “But really, everything was on you Chanyeol. You’re actually on the road of slowly being okay with everything.”

Chanyeol nodded, grabbing the beer bottle he had ordered earlier and sipping a bit. “It does feel like I’m slowly okay with everything. Like I don’t feel so empty anymore you know? Like there really is some improvement on how I view Baekhyun these days.”

“And that’s how it should be. Treat him as part of the past already, he’s never going to be relevant in your present or future anyway.” Sehun explained.

The night progressed rather quickly. Chanyeol and his friends were busy exchanging stories, both of their own complaints of their work lives and of sudden retelling of all the fun they had when they were still younger. Everyone was still having lots of fun.

“You guys want another round? I’ll get more beer by the bar, anyone want one?” Chanyeol asks, slowly standing up from his seat.

“I’m still good.” Junmyeon said, lifting his bottle to show that it was barely half empty. Sehun did the same.

“I’ll just get one for myself then. I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

Chanyeol walked up to the bar, quickly asking for another bottle of beer. He took a quick seat by the stool, facing the counter as he waited for the bartender to tend to the customers earlier than him before giving his own.

“Excuse me, can I get two more gin and tonic please?” The voice made Chanyeol freeze in his seat. How could fate play him like this?

 

“Baekhyun……..” Chanyeol softly said, enough for the person beside him to hear.

Said person was also a little surprise with the voice that had just said his name. He quickly turned to his right and came face to face with the person he thought he successfully hid himself from.

“C-Chanyeol…….w-what are you doing here?” Baekhyun’s voice sounded nervous, uncomfortable if Chanyeol could put it that way.

“I’m with Sehun and Junmyeon.” Chanyeol quickly pointed out to his friends who were laughing at the booth at the side.

“I never thought I’d see you here.” Baekhyun shortly replied, he looked nervous.

“I never thought I’d ever see you again actually.” Chanyeol confessed, feeling his heart beat like crazy again. “So what are you doing here?”

“You know...just drinking.” He wasn’t looking at Chanyeol anymore, just busy tapping his finger on the counter as he waited for his drinks. “You know, the typical Friday night out.”

“I-I see.” Chanyeol can clearly see how Baekhyun didn’t want to talk to him. “Are you okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Nothing.” Came Chanyeol’s short reply. “Are you with Jongdae and the others?”

Baekhyun nodded, still tapping his fingers by the counter. He was getting impatient. “Just Jongdae for the night.”

“Listen, Baekhyun……I-”

“Chanyeol, please.” Baekhyun had cut him short. “Just don’t”

Chanyeol had already turned his seat around so he was directly facing Baekhyun. “Don’t you think we should talk? At least just say something?”

“I don’t think I have to explain myself to you anymore. It’s been a month Chanyeol. Isn’t that a very clear way of saying that things are definitely over between us?” Chanyeol could definitely sense the anger still lingering in Baekhyun’s voice.

“I know that….I just want to talk.” Chanyeol could feel his heart beating so fast. “At least give me chance to apologize for whatever things I said that night. I was drunk, half of the time I didn’t know what I was saying.”

“Apologize and then what?” Baekhyun had his arms crossed in front of his chest. “You think it would change how things turned out between us? I already left Chanyeol. I left because I wanted to.”

“But at least hear me out, please?” Chanyeol was practically begging, trying so hard not to reach out and touch Baekhyun.

“If you want my forgiveness, then fine I forgive you okay. Just please don’t talk to me ever again” Baekhyun quickly walked towards the other end of the bar to get his drinks, quickly disappearing into the crowd as Chanyeol was left dumbfounded at the bar.

 

It took him a good 5 seconds to absorb that he actually just talked to Baekhyun once again before getting up from his seat to look for him. Drinks be damned, he needed the closure that he had been craving for.

He quickly went around the pub, checking every booth, every table, to see if there’s a sign of Baekhyun or either Jongdae. He just wouldn’t let him slip away that easily once again.  He walked around like a mad man, circling the whole place about 5 times, even checking the bathrooms to see if Baekhyun was there, but there was no sign of him whatsoever. He was frustrated, heart feeling heavy yet again. He quickly went back to his friends and immediately gulped down the half bottle that Sehun had. Bottle after bottle, he kept downing the alcohol as if it was water. Chanyeol was desperate to get the sinking feeling he had in his chest. It was slowly consuming his yet again, slowly drowning him again.

 

“Chanyeol what the hell’s wrong with you? What are you doing?” Sehun asked, taking away the bottles of beer in front of his friend before he downs them all at once again.

“I saw him.” Was Chanyeol’s short reply as he grabs the bottle from Sehun yet again. “I saw Baekhyun”

“What!? You saw Baekhyun? Where?”

“By the bar a few minutes ago. He was here.” Chanyeol said before chugging down half the bottle’s content. “He didn’t want to talk to me”

“And you’re drowning yourself in alcohol because of that?” Junmyeon said, sighing as he watched his friend finish what seems to be his 5th bottle.

“You’ve went through too much already, are you really going back to your bubble again?” Sehun was still grabbing the new bottle from Chanyeol’s hand.

“I just wanted to talk…...just get some sort of explanation, or maybe even a closure. But nothing. He fucking hates me until now.” Chanyeol successfully grabs the bottle yet again from Sehun and immediately chugs it down.

“Don’t do this to yourself again Chanyeol.” Sehun says. “You were doing so good already.”

“I’m going home.” He finishes the bottle and immediately stands up, obviously drunk. “I gotta get out of here.” His friends both stood up, supporting him as he started to wobble as he tried to get out of the booth.

“At least let us drive you home. I only drank 2 shots and half a bottle anyway, I can still drive just fine.” Junmyeon insisted, helping Chanyeol walk towards the exit. “I’ll just get my car. Sehun will you be fine alone?”

Sehun immediately drapes Chanyeol’s arm around his shoulder so he could hold him up better. Sehun just nodded at him. Junmyeon nodded and left Sehun and a very drunk Chanyeol by the door as he walked down the block to get his car.

 

A little less than an hour and Junmyeon and Sehun had successfully dropped off Chanyeol in his apartment. The taller was obviously drunk, but insisted that he can still walk on his own despite losing his balance most of the time. His friends left after dumping him on his couch as he tried his best to convince them that he was fine.

But the sinking feeling in his chest was still there, it made it hard for him to actually breathe easy, like he felt constricted, just like the time he found out that Baekhyun was really gone. He needed to let his emotions out somehow, and there’s only one way he knows how.

The set-up was quick, opting to just use his phone this time as the camera since he would be doing a live video anyway. He immediately started the live, quickly grabbing his guitar that was luckily already lying around his living room by that time. Angles be damn, he didn’t care that his face was being shown right now. He just needed some sort of quick relief for all of this.

 

“So I saw him. And all the feelings that I have been trying to supress for weeks disappeared all in an instant. It still hurts, especially when he made it crystal clear that he really doesn’t anything to do with me anymore. I just want a chance to talk, just to make me understand if I can still fix everything. I miss him so much. I just want for him to come back, to take me back. I’m sorry for everything I said Baekhyun. I really am. I still love you, and I have never stopped loving you. I just want you back. Please come back to me.” Chanyeol was already crying as he started to strum the guitar.

“I’m making this up as i go. I hope you know how much you still mean to me.”

 

 _[you gave](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2EZQnxWcvg)it all away_  
_didn’t even let me in_  
_you gave the worst goodbye  
_ _and people ask me how I’ve been_

_so let me tell them_  
_Friday nights got me feeling lonely_  
_Saturdays are when the bottles empty  
_ _Why’d you have to leave me_

_I know that_

_your intentions weren’t to break me_  
_but it cuts so deep, i’m dripping slowly_  
_these nights are getting lonely  
_ _so why’d you have to leave me?_

_I’m a mess in the making_  
_Hours become days, and days become months without you_  
_I’ve been self-medicating_  
_With bottles and blades, glasses of champagnes without you_  
_And Friday nights got me feeling lonely_  
_Saturdays are when the bottles empty  
_ _Why’d you have to leave me_

_I know that_  
_your intentions weren’t to break me_  
_but it cuts so deep, i’m dripping slowly_  
_these nights are getting lonely  
_ _so why’d you have to leave me?_

_Don’t leave me_  
_Don’t leave me_  
_Don’t leave me  
_ _These nights are getting lonely_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol wakes up to the biggest headache he has ever had in a while. He feels like his head is about to be split in half. His insides started to hurt too, a clear indication that he had way too much to drink again last night. He rolled around in bed trying to bury his head under the pillows to at least try and appease the pounding that was happening to his head right now. He doesn’t remember much of what happened last night, but he was certain that his little conversation with Baekhyun at the bar was definitely real. It felt all too real for it to actually be just a figment of his imagination. The words said were all too real, all piercing into Chanyeol’s soul as if it didn’t the first time. Honestly he felt like crap, just some irrelevant spec of an organism that was basically not worthy of any contentment and happiness in life. He was still trying to suppress his headache when his ring tone suddenly blared. He groaned yet again, grumbling as he gets out under the burried pillows and comforter as he started roaming his hands around his bed to look for his phone.

 

“Hmmm hello?” Chanyeol sounded groggy, as expected of being totally plastered the night before.

 _“Chanyeol!”_  He had to retract his ear from the phone as Sehun shouted at him.  _“What the hell did you do!???”_

“Uughhhh I just woke up. What are you talking about?” Chanyeol continued rolling around in bed, trying to keep his eyes closed as the light coming from his windows was too bright. Damn he forgot to put down the blinds last night.

 _“What do you mean what did you do?? Don’t you remember anything you did last night?”_  Sehun sounded upset.

“We drank. And a lot of it. And I saw Baekhyun. That’s everything right? We went home right after?”

_“Oh god you don’t remember what you did after you talked to Baekhyun, do you?”_

“Can you please just cut to the chase and tell me already? My headache is too severe for me to be thinking about this now.” Chanyeol was still clutching his head.

_“Have you even checked your phone at least? Or your channel? Or even the goddamn internet? You’re all over the fucking place.”_

“W-What do you mean?” Chanyeol started squinting, trying his best to sit-up in the process. He immediately placed Sehun on speaker as he turned to open his channel, surprised to see that he was able to do a video last night. He was shocked to see that the thumbnail of his face, looking like crap because of too much crying while he was playing the guitar. “I showed my face last night?? Sehun I don’t remember this” Chanyeol quickly exclaimed.

_“You did a live last night and you were crying a lot too. Maybe it was the alcohol taking over you but you were so fragile last night. You started singing on the spot and then you said Baekhyun’s name and-“_

“I did what!!!??” Chanyeol shouted, clearly regretting it as his headache immediately worsened. “Holy fuck did I say his whole name?”

 _“No, just his first name.”_  Sudden relief washed over Chanyeol. At least he was somehow safe.  _“But your video has been trending his this morning. I literally saw a link to your video this morning when I was scrolling through my timeline. They’re trending a hashtag too.”_

Chanyeol was freaking out, he never really thought that he would reveal his face, let alone Baekhyun’s name, in a situation where he definitely didn’t have any control of. He has nothing but himself to blame at how stupid he was.

“What am I going to do Sehun? Baekhyun’s going to find out about everything.” Chanyeol furiously messed up his hair as he grumbled.

_“Isn’t it time that he knows everything though? With how you suddenly saw him last night, it’s like fate is telling you to do something about it.”_

“As if I can actually change something right now. He hates me Sehun.” Chanyeol sighed. “It doesn’t if he watches the video or hear all the songs that I wrote. Nothing's gonna change the fact that he never wants to see me again.”

 _“Don’t overthink all of this yet. Just because there’s the chance that he’s going to find everything, it doesn’t mean that he’ll call you out for this okay. This was your safe place, it was your way for coping up with the break-up. It wasn’t like a dedicated channel just for his sake. This is about you, okay? Don’t forget that.”_  Chanyeol somehow felt at ease, letting Sehun’s words continuously sink in through his system.

“Thank you.” He whispered. “I owe you a lot.”

 _“Well of course.”_ Chanyeol chuckled.  _“Just take an aspirin, take a rest, and just let things die down on its own.”_

“Okay okay. Thanks again Sehun.”

 _“I know. Talk to you later.”_  Sehun immediately ended the call after that. Chanyeol flopped back down on the bed, headache getting much worse by the minute as a million things go through his mind. He has to at least know the damage that his actions had cost him.

 

After another half hour of trying to bury himself under his pillows, Chanyeol practically dragged himself to the bathroom to freshen up. He was still clad in yesterday’s clothes that reeked too much of alcohol. The scent was already sticking too much to his skin and it didn’t help him clear his mind at all. After changing into fresh clothes, he made his way to the living room to look for an aspirin to take. He settled down on the couch as he opened his laptop. The tripod from last night was still on his center table, his guitar facing down on the carpeted floor. Bit by bit, memories of the night before started coming back to him.

Chanyeol opened his laptop and went straight to his channel where he was greeted by hundreds of notifications. Frankly, he was already so scared of opening them up, knowing that whatever his video contained, it took a hundred people to call him out for it. With a nervous heart, Chanyeol clicked on his last uploaded video which was live one. The first thing he noticed was the number of views. As of that early afternoon of Saturday, his video of the night before had garnered more than 2 million views, definitely a huge jump to his usual 300-500,000 views. He started watching the video and he was first greeted by his drunk self, wobbly and trying his hardest to sit approximately at the middle of the couch to get a good angle. He also heard his little monologue, definitely wanting to punch himself at how fragile he looked, almost wanting to hit himself when he heard Baekhyun’s name being uttered by him. He was a mess. After a few minutes, he started strumming the guitar and soon enough his composed on the spot song started playing. He watched the whole thing, all 15 minutes of it with him crying and seeing and trying to at least sound audible somehow. He also saw that he now has about a little over 700,000 subscribers, a definite growth from the 300,000 subscriber mark that he was just celebrating the night before. He immediately scrolled down to see the comment.

 

 

 

_[+156678, -857] You finally showed your face!!_

_[+12867, -304] I was so happy when I got the notification that you were doing a live, but fuck I didn’t expect that you’d  do a drunk live_

_[+15392, -102] IS NO ONE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE SONG!?!? IT WAS AMAZING_

_[+57486, -5489] oh fuck he said his ex’s name. Is this a chance for us to finally know who he is!?_

_[+85697, -2479] INTERNET DO YOUR THING! LET’S FIND BAEKHYUN!!!_

_[+45862, -3625] Don’t you guys think we should do a hashtag for this? Just like #LoeySings?_

_[+619427, -1569] Let’s start trending #LoeySingsForBaekhyun so we can find him!!_

_[+15023, -539] ^Let’s go with this one y’all. Damn we gotta find that Baekhyun guy. How can he leave Loey        heartbroken like this :(_

_[+342950, -23819] Trend that thing in every platform possible so we can find him sooner! Loey deserves that         Closure after all._

_[+67930, -1548] This song sounded so raw and just so fucking fragile. He really left you hurting like that huh_

_[+127, -95617] meh, I’ve still heard better original tracks than this one_

_[+87461, -20] What the hell are you even doing here if you’re going to criticize him like that!?_

_[+64810, -451] I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s really curious of what went down in their relationship right? Loey was being so vague and careful during his Q &A vid._

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol saw the hashtags that his subscribers used to trend him, and true to his assumptions, his video was on to 10 trending videos for that day. He can’t believe what was happening, how his drunk self even got him to do this was definitely a mystery. He started to check his other SNS accounts and as expected, the hashtag was also trending on twitter, as well as a link to the actual video. A lot was determined to find who Baekhyun was, all sharing the same sentiments that Chanyeol had continuously poured out throughout his video journey. Everything felt surreal at the time and he felt so lost about all of this. Was his actions really that big to be able to attract an audience like this? Most of all, he was very much concerned about the very fact that Baekhyun must’ve found out about everything already. Judging that their circle was practically small, and how big his video got to be, there really was a fat chance that Baekhyun could be watching the video right now. It scares him, the thought of Baekhyun being aware of how he still feels, of how he still holds that kind of effect on him even if everything is supposedly over between them. Chanyeol thinks it probably comes together with the huge chunk of regret that was constantly present in his heart. Things ended so badly on his end, uttering words that he never meant to escape from his mouth, everything he felt was of regret and the constant gnawing feeling that he drove Baekhyun away from him, he drove away the one person that had brought him an immense amount of love and happiness, all because of how impulsive and selfish he was.

He wanted to sleep everything off, wanting to escape whatever the trending of his stupid video might bring to him. Sehun had been constantly texting him to know if he had seen the video already, also informing him that some of his friends as well were asking about him because they’ve seen the video too. Chanyeol practically wanted to disappear for a moment, he didn’t know if it was because of embarrassment because he practically cried like a baby on camera and because of how messay he looked at that time, or was it because he still was very much afraid of how it would all backfire at him. He basically spent the whole day cooped up in his apartment, refusing to check on his laptop and his phone of whatever might be happening in the virtual world at the moment. He just wanted a very quick escape from it all.

 

 

 

 

____________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The weekend flew by fast as Chanyeol stayed cooped inside his apartment. He still refused to open anything that was would even remotely give him an idea of what’s happening with all the fiasco in his video. Based on Sehun’s message last Sunday afternoon, the video continued to garner views and was at most around 5 millions views when he last checked. Although the hashtag itself wasn’t trending anymore on twitter, it still had a good amount of mentions for it to still circulate the web. Going to work that Monday morning was weird, judging how everyone seemed to give him an extra amount of attention the moment he entered their office floor. People knew of the video but no one dared to speak about it, and for that Chanyeol was thankful. He just wanted to pass this stage of his life as quickly as possible so he can just continue on.

He also thought that it was time to at least plan on saying something about the video, he knows his subscribers must be curious how he’s been dealing with everything, especially since they were very much eager to be able to find Baekhyun. His subscribers were just looking out for him, Chanyeol understood that, but he felt like stuff like this was already unnecessary. He thought of creating a video tonight just to explain how everything came about. He was already vocal about everything from the start, might as well continue and be vocal right? He thought of telling them what led him to do the video, how he casually ran into Baekhyun that night, the feelings that took over him, the urge to sing out what his heart had been wanting to scream since the moment he saw him. This was also the best way to let his subscribers understand that despite how thankful he was for all the help and appreciation they have been giving him, dragging Baekhyun into the picture yet again was something that he wouldn’t allow them to do. They were already living separately, already 2 different individuals who just happened to have a past they commonly had. It was a way to tell them that getting back together with Baekhyun was never the main point of why he started writing songs. Afterall, this was, and still is, something that is still very personal to him, something that had allowed him to pour out his feelings when his heart wanted to simply burst open. He was already on the process of trying to move forward without the context of staying stagnant in the past, so he hopes the people that supports him could do the same.

His makeshift studio was already set-up that Monday night, the angle of the camera now capturing a good view of his face. He really doesn’t see the point of hiding his face anymore since he already cried like a wimp on his most recent one anyway. He was just doing last minute check-ups on the camera when his phone suddenly vibrated, indicating an incoming message. It was from an unknown number.

  
  
“Chanyeol.. I know I said that I don’t want you to come looking for me again, but I want to talk, like really talk with you. Do you think we can meet up tonight? It’ll just be quick. I hope you’ll reply.  
 -Baekhyun

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol was already at the far table inside the cafe just around his area. He told Baekhyun that he’ll be waiting there so they can talk, choosing a place he knows Baekhyun will be much more comfortable in. He really wasn’t expecting for Baekhyun to reach out to him this early, although it was expected. To be honest, Chanyeol was afraid how the latter would react about everything. He knows it was definitely wrong for him to just casually throw Baekhyun’s name in that video, despite being drunk out of his mind again. He really has a knack for creating conflicts with Baekhyun while he was drunk.. He just wants to resolve everything, not even having a glimpse of hope that this could probably lead to anything more. Having just the opportunity to sit down and talk with Baekhyun just to clear out everything was already enough for him.

It was a little past 9PM when the chimes by the cafe door rang once again. Chanyeol was quick to look up and saw Baekhyun roam around the place before finally locking eyes at him as he walks towards where he was sitting. It was the first time that Chanyeol had the chance to actually look into Baekhyun. The lights at the bar last Friday for too dim for him to actually indulge the fact that he was seeing him again. Some people might say that he was probably overreacting, being that he last saw Baekhyun since a month and a half ago. But for Chanyeol, it felt far longer than that, feeling as if he had lost so much time without him. Chanyeol can initially tell that Baekhyun lost some weight, judging by the more protruding jaw and cheek bones once Baekhyun was already too close to observe these kinds of things. He looked exhausted, and for some reason, Chanyeol wanted to believe that the break-up had the same effect to Baekhyun, as it had on him.

Baekhyun immediately took the seat in front of him, quickly removing his sling bag and placing it on the chair beside his.

 

“Were you waiting long? Sorry, the traffic was pretty bad.” Baekhyun said as he took his seat.

“No no I just got here actually.” He was already here for half an hour already, basically too nervous for their meeting.

“I know you must be confused why I suddenly wanted to talk you about since I've been basically trying to avoid you for a few months now.” Baekhyun was playing with the tissue paper. Chanyeol had already ordered his usual iced americano when Baekhyun informed him that he was near the cafe already.

“Can’t say that I’m totally surprised.” Chanyeol confessed. “You probably saw the video anyway.”

“We’re really jumping right to it huh?” Baekhyun smiled.

“I know you must’ve been taken aback by it. I’m really sorry about that. I really wasn’t myself.” Chanyeol had his head hung low.

“Well I was shocked of course, seeing my name plastered around the internet.” Baekhyun gave a small chuckle. “At first I wasn’t expecting it to be me, because I’m probably not the only Baekhyun around this country, But when I saw a link to a video with your face on it, that’s when I realized that it was about me afterall.”

“I never had any intentions to just blurt it out like that I swear. I was just really upset." Chanyeol confessed, trying his best to avoid Baekhyun’s gaze.

“I guess our sudden run-in at the bar last Friday really took a toll on you huh” Baekhyun was trying so hard to make the atmosphere a little lighter for the both of them, but it wasn’t working. For Chanyeol still felt uncomfortable, still felt very much foreign about this situation they were currently in.

“Everything took a toll on me Baek, nothing’s easy anymore since you left.” Chanyeol confessed. “The fact that I went home that day, surprised to see you and all your stuff gone, I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel really. I know I made you upset but-“

“I wasn’t upset Chanyeol……... I was disappointed in you.” Baekhyun locked eyes on Chanyeol, hurt visible in his eyes. “The fighting I could take, we were fighting a whole lot by that time, but for you to accuse me of bringing you down? Of not wanting you to be successful in your own way because I wasn’t doing great myself was something I never imagined you could do.”

“I-I’m sorry……” Chanyeol started sobbing softly, afraid that they would attract any attention from the other customers of the cafe. “I was beyond stupid, I wasn’t thinking straight. I never meant any of the words I said.”

“I know you meant them, maybe not a hundred percent, but the idea must have been sitting on your mind for a while now for you to suddenly blurt it out like that when we were having our argument.” Baekhyun explained. “I just want to understand Yeol, how you thought I could be selfish like that when it came to your own success.”

 

Chanyeol can automatically tell that Baekhyun was just as confused as he was about everything that happened. The whole fight was a mistake, the wrong timing for the both of them to release every ounce of frustration that they have both ket bottled up inside.

“I was exhausted by a lot of things Baek, and it’s so wrong of me to take it out on you when you’ve been nothing but supportive. But something just clicked in me when you were insisting that how our relationship was falling out, was because of how focused I was with my work.” Chanyeol continued to explain, finally mustering up the courage that took him a while to gain again. “We had a lot of cracks already you know? Things that were escalating rapidly without our knowledge and we were just both so scared to do anything about it because we know for a fact that we may crumble any moment.  It just so happened that my work had a huge contribution to it all, but it was never the only reason” Chanyeol couldn’t hold the tears anymore, letting them flow freely down his cheeks as he tried his hard not to full on sob in public. One viral video was enough.

Baekhyun was also practically holding in his tears so hard as he refused to look at Chanyeol who was busy hiding his face from it. He knew that one way or another they had to talk about it. Leaving everything behind due to a hasty decision he made would never suffice to the both of them, especially when he never really wanted to leave in the first place. He was angry, yes, deeply upset even, but he knows how he left Chanyeol without any explanation whatsoever, was something Chanyeol never deserves. He didn’t think that  single video would be the only way for him to actually muster up the courage and seek the taller and finally talk about everything. The run-in at the club the other day was too sudden, something that he really wasn't’ prepared to face at all. He had no choice but to put up a strong front, he was the one who called the shots anyways. But seeing Chanyeol cry his heart out in that video, stripped off of any facade, something just pulled in his heart. He knew it was time to atleast try and talk it out.

 

“I just didn’t know what to do that time.” Baekhyun confessed, trying hard to not let his voice crack. “How can the person I trust the most think of me like that? I know your work wasn’t the only issue between us, we’ve been continuously falling out for awhile but it was a topic that triggered something in me Yeol. You now I’ll always be happy for your achievements, like I’ll forever be your biggest fan. It just hurt to think that at a time where you pressed about everything, you decided to throw me off the bus.”

“I know and I’m always going to be sorry about that. It’s always going to be a reminder of how much hurt you. But I hope that you understand how much I regret it. You know how much I love you Baek, I hope you still know that.” Chanyeol wiped his tears with the back of his hand, voice continuously cracking,”

“You know I never questioned how much you cared for me. You always made me feel loved even in my lowest and I’m always going to be thankful for that.” Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol’s hands, rubbing it.

“I just……. I miss you so much and my feelings for you never changed. I thought I’d never have the chance to talk to you again. I’m really really sorry.”

“Ssshhhh I know.” Baekhyun continued rubbing his hands, smiling at him to try to make him calm down.

“So where does this leave us now?” Chanyeol asks, holding Baekhyun’s hand firmly. “If you’d take me back Baek, I’d be willing to change myself. I just need you, I need us. I can’t live in world without you” Chanyeol could feel tears forming in his eyes again.

“I still love you Yeol, if that’s what you’re curious. My feelings never went away.” Baekhyun confessed, still gripping Chanyeol’s hands. “But I don’t think we should get back together.”

Chanyeol could feel his breath hitch up, unknowingly gripping Baekhyun’s hand tighter. He didn’t know his broken heart could still break at this point. “S-So are you telling me we’re really o-over?” He allowed fresh tears to escape from his eyes.

“I mean not now. I don’t think it’s healthy for the both of us to just pick up where we left of. I know you’re aware that it isn’t right too. We’re both half empty now, and being together when we’re still lacking parts of ourselves will just bring nothing but constant fights and it’s just going to be a never ending cycle. We can’t complete each other when we’re still lacking on our own. How can one fill the other up without giving his everything? That’s just wrong.” Baekhyun continued. “I don’t want us losing our own selves when we’re not ready. We both know we need this.”

Chanyeol continued to cry silently, trying so hard not to escape another sob from his lips. “A-And what if we don’t find ourselves back to each other?”

Baekhyun smiled at him, squeezing Chanyeol’s hand. “Then that’s that I guess. We’ll just be thankful that amidst this chaotic sphere of the world, we managed to spend some time of our lives together. We get to have the memories we’ve created together and that’s already enough for me.” Baekhyun made Chanyeol look at him. “But judging how we keep running into each other in the most conventional times, fate probably still wants to be together again.”

Chanyeol smiles, giving Baekhyun’s hand a small peck. “You’re still so amazing, you know that?”

Baekhyun laughed, staring lovingly at Chanyeol. “We just need time to grow Chanyeol. It’s going to do both of us some good”

 

 

 

And with a last hug goodbye, in the midst of the busy night streets of Seoul, Chanyeol and Baekhyun part ways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol wasn’t quite satisfied with how him and Baekhyun parted ways earlier tonight. He knows there is just one more thing that he had to do before he completely tries to focus on building himself up again. So he goes out of his room again, guitar in hand as he starts to set-up to what would be the last video of his channel

With his makeshift studio ready, Chanyeol positions himself in front of the video, angle getting a shot of his face and his guitar. He presses the record button and continues with his usual greetings.

“I know you guys deserve an explanation about what really happened during my last video that really really went viral, but I’m sorry I’m not here to actually explain what really went down. I’m just glad to let you guys know that I found him, and we talked and I’m just going to leave it at that. We settled some things, opened some new possibilities, it’s as detailed as I can get. I’m thankful for each and everyone of you for helping me find him, to actually have the opportunity to talk him again was just beyond surprising. As you can tell by the title of this video, this might be my last video for now. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but by how I plan to live my life from now on, it already is so different from the main point of why I created this channel in the first place. I feel like I finally figured out how to move on, how to continue on with the fact that I don’t have him beside me anymore. It took a lot of twists and bumps, but I think I’m getting there, fortunately. So with that, I wrote this song for you, Baekhyun. And I hope that when you hear this, you’ll know that there really is no one but you.”

 

With a last smile, Chanyeol started to strum and let the melodies flow as he soon starts singing.

 

 

 

 _[I hear a million voices](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7FUpbgDgTs) in my head _  
_Telling me the things I should have said |_  
_I don't know why I let you go_  
_Oh I learned the hard way  
_ _Tell me it's not too late_

 _Now my arms are open wide_  
_They're hanging forever,_  
_there Waiting forever, for you |_  
_I won't give up on you this time_  
_Cause I ain't holding up,  
_ _for nobody else_

 _It's gotta be you_  
_When you walked away my heart tried to replace ya_  
_With someone like you_ _But I could never find it_  
_I don't want to fight it  
_ _It's gotta be you_

 _I wish I could turn back the time_  
_The power is yours and not mine_  
_Maybe with time you'll see that_  
_I can give you all the things you missed  
_ _Oh no no_

 _Now my arms are open wide  
_ _And I ain't holding now, for nobody else_

 _It's gotta be you_  
_When you walked away_  
_My heart tried to replace ya with someone like you_  
_But I could never find it_  
_I don't want to fight it  
_ _It's gotta be you_

 _You don't have to answer right now_  
_Baby go and take your time_  
_Cause I'll be here_  
_It's gotta be you  
_ _It's gotta be you_

_It's gotta be you_  
_When you walked away my_  
_Heart tried to replace ya_  
_With someone like you_  
_But can I never find it  
_ _I don't want to fight it_

_It's gotta be you  
_ _It's gotta be you_

_I don't want nobody else_  
_Nobody else but you  
_ _It’s gotta be you_

 

 

 

 

**EPILOGUE**

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been a good 2 years since Chanyeol last opened his channel and honestly the little break felt great.

He knew he was in a better place, having left his old job, he was able to find another advertising firm that gave him a lot more opportunities to flourish without him sacrificing pieces of his personal life. It felt like everything was going into place.

 

He was busy setting up the camera again, the tripod standing firmly in his center table as he adjusts the angle once more so it can get a clear shot of him and his guitar. He knows this isn’t the first time he’d be doing this, but he really is getting nervous.

 

 

Because now he wasn’t alone anymore.

 

 

“Baek! Come on let’s start recording already” Chanyeol hollers through the bedroom, moving his body to the side so he can take peek through the small hallway.

“I’m coming just wait a sec.” Baekhyun replies back, still trying to put on his (of course it’s Chanyeol’s) hoodie as he walks to the couch. “Why did you set it up even when I’m not ready yet.”

“Because we’re just squeezing this in remember? Jongdae’s been texting you non stop already.” Chanyeol explains, making space on the couch so his boyfriend could sit beside him.

“Okay okay, come on let’s start this thing.” Baekhyun smiles at him, snuggling to Chanyeol as the taller scoot a little so he can reach the camera.

 

And with a quick peck to Baekhyun’s cheek, Chanyeol pressed the record button and started strumming the guitar again to the familiar tune they’ve been working on for weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 _[Don't you tell me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRJ4RywOPvA) that it wasn't meant to be _  
_Call it quits Call it destiny_  
_Just because it won't come easily  
_ _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _We had a good thing going lately_  
_Might not have always been a fairy tale_  
_But you know and I know  
_ _That they ain't real I'll take the truth over the story_

 _You might have tried my patience lately_  
_But I'm not about to let us fail_  
_I'll be the wind picking up your sail  
_ _But won't you do something for me?_

 _Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_  
_Call it quits Call it destiny_  
_Just because it won't come easily  
_ _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _Coming and going Inside out_  
_Back to front Oh, tangled and messy_  
_That's how we've been and we'll always be  
_ _And that's alright with me_

 _Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_  
_Call it quits Call it destiny_  
_Just because it won't come easily_  
_Doesn't mean we shouldn't try, try, try_  
_Just because it won't come easily  
_ _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _Just because it won't come easily  
_ _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try, try, try_

 _Just because it won't come easily  
_ _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 


End file.
